Needing to Be Uncomfortable

I recently wrote a note on facebook and then today I got to thinking that I want to make a blog. I hope my blog brings joy, inspiration, happiness, contemplation, and a little bit of love to those who may read it. I know there's no way with school and everything that I will be able to post everyday so I am going to try and at least write once a week...although I may fail at that also. I am awful at journaling so I don't know I well I'll do this. I don't care if anyone reads this, this is for me and to get my thoughts out of my head and into writing. Again I wrote this a couple of weeks ago just to get what was weighing on my heart out in the open.

 Needing to Be Uncomfortable
Today on a trip to the Botanic Gardens with my Bible study group we sat down and started talking about the quarter. The quarters theme was experiencing a change and although I was hardly there this one day helped me come to a realization.

I always tell myself I am gonna change: I am going to get closer to God, I am going to open up, I am going to be more social, I am going to show people the real me, the me I see inside myself but don't really let anyone else see. I get all excited about it and then life happens and I get scared. I put my wall up, try to be invisible, stay in my bubble, and don't let anyone in because in reality I am afraid of change. I tell myself I want to change but I really don't because I am comfortable where I am. I am afraid of letting people see the person I am on the inside and person I really wanna be because I don't want to get hurt. I think by putting my wall up and staying in my bubble I am saving myself from all the hurt that relationships can bring. But then I will look at everyone around me and all the friends they have and how close they are to so many people and I realize that I am bringing myself more hurt by putting a wall up and not letting anyone in to see the great person I know I am. I want so bad to let people in and take down that wall but the thing is I don't think I really know how to and that's why I have never been able to change. I don't think that I am every going to be able change and let down those walls without help. I need to be forced into situations that make me uncomfortable and start bringing down those walls because the thing is I won't do it on my own. I will stay in my room like I have done all quarter and seclude myself, afraid of what people will think of me. A big thing for me is that I went from an environment of all Christians to this one which was really hard for me, but something I believe I needed. But since I have lived at the Towers I felt really lonely, I don't have anyone here that I can just hang out with or talk to. People that can help me change, friends that I see everyday and will help me take down my walls, so people can see the great person I know I am.

So this has all been weighing on my heart lately and it came boiling to the surface today because I was hanging out with people and laughing and being myself. But then it came to an end, I came back to my room and I felt sad because I was alone again. I realize that you need time to be alone but at this point in my life I want to be having fun and hanging out with friends because there is no other point in my life it's going to be like this. But I'm stuck and I don't know how to change and become a more confident fun person that people want to hang out with. So I need help because I've tried changing on my own and time after time I go back to what is comfortable. I want people to look at me and say she is confident, she loves Jesus, she is fun to be around, and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks about her. I need to be uncomfortable or else no one is going to get to see the person I know is inside me.

• God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. ~Ephesians 3:20

          I know that God will place the people in my life that are supposed to be there and will use those people to have His spirit work within me to make a change. I know changing how people see me on the outside starts on the inside and the only way I can change from the inside out is through my Jesus. <3


Thanks to a few people today for helping me realize this, you don't know how much today meant to me, and how much it truly helped me.